Error of Judgement
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Cal feels depressed about the way he coped with the incidents in A Child's Heart Parts 1 and 2. He can only think of one thing that might lift his spirits - but will it work?


_I wrote most of this before the explosions, but I knew the story would take place after the explosions and would probably affect the story so I thought I'd better wait._

* * *

Cal couldn't believe he hadn't looked yet. He'd meant to: he'd been looking forward to it, but what with the stag night and the wedding and the explosions and the aftermath, it had completely slipped his mind. It was understandable, really. It wasn't as though it was important.

But now that was all over and Cal was at home with the flat to himself. It was the first time he'd been alone for a while and the events of the last couple of days were weighing heavily on his mind. He needed to cheer himself up; to remind himself that he was a good doctor – and this was the only way he could think of.

Cal had already connected his laptop remotely to Ethan's printer: he was going to joke with Ethan about framing it and putting it on both their walls as proof that, very occasionally, the big brother did come out on top.

But it wasn't just a matter of gloating. Cal needed this. He needed a reason to feel good about himself. He needed to believe he had a future.

Cal logged into the website and searched for the FCEM results. It wasn't easy as he didn't know the site very well, but eventually he found it. He saw Ethan's result first and realised he'd only missed out on a pass by a few marks. This surprised Cal a bit as he was sure his own mark had been a lot lower than that, but perhaps there had been some kind of computer error which was now corrected.

If Ethan's mark was that high, Cal had only been two marks away from passing. Only two! He shouted in triumph and punched the air with both fists. It hadn't been easy and there had been several occasions when he'd been on the point of giving up, but he was so glad he hadn't. He'd actually beaten his little brother and he was sure he'd pass with ease next time.

They both would.

Cal returned his attention to the screen and scrolled down to Caleb Knight's result.

The smile slipped from his face and he gripped the laptop so hard, his hands began to hurt.

He hadn't beaten Ethan by one mark.

He hadn't beaten Ethan at all.

* * *

Ethan wasn't surprised to find the flat in darkness. Cal's car was there, but he imagined his brother had gone off to the pub. Ethan closed the door and fumbled for the light switch. As he did, he heard a slight sound he couldn't identify. It sounded a bit like a sniff, but maybe it was the heating switching itself on or something.

Ethan turned the light on and turned to face the room to discover it wasn't empty after all.

Cal was there.

He was flinching and trying to shield his eyes from the light, but it only took a glance for Ethan to understand why he was sitting in the dark. Cal's cheeks were tearstained and he was holding a tissue, which he hurriedly stuffed under a cushion. Ethan made a mental note to dispose of it later.

"I was asleep," said Cal unconvincingly.

"I'm sorry I woke you," said Ethan. He wasn't fooled, but he knew he had to tread carefully or Cal would storm off without telling him anything and if was this upset, he probably needed to talk.

It had been a tough couple of days for Cal. It had been a tough couple of days for everyone at the ED and Cal wasn't the only member of the team Ethan had seen in tears. Ethan had cried too, unable to stop himself, but he'd made sure no-one had caught him, and Honey had been the only person to guess.

Ethan sat on the sofa beside Cal. There wasn't a lot of room because Cal's laptop was taking up a lot of the space, but he managed to squeeze himself in. Ethan glanced at the laptop, wondering if that might have been the cause of Cal's distress, but the screen was blank and it seemed unlikely.

Ethan said nothing: he just waited for Cal to speak.

He didn't have to wait long. "Why did you lie to me?" said Cal, unable to keep the emotion out of his voice.

"Lie to you about what?" said Ethan, mystified. He tried to think whether he'd told Cal any lies today. The only one he could think of was when he'd told Cal he didn't mind discharging one of his patients for him as Cal had three all about to breach. Ethan had minded, but he thought it would be easier to do as Cal asked than to argue about it. Ethan was coping - clearly better than Cal - but he hadn't felt strong enough for an argument with his brother.

He still didn't. Unfortunately, it looked like one could be forthcoming.

"My FCEM result," said Cal.

The feeling of guilt hit Ethan right in the stomach. It seemed so long ago now and he'd almost forgotten about it. He shouldn't have done it, of course, but Cal had looked so down and all Ethan had thought about was cheering him up. It hadn't occurred to him that Cal might want to see the results for himself. But that was stupid of him. Of course Cal would want to gloat!

Cal turned hopeless blue eyes to Ethan's. "I was so happy, Ethan. Not just that I'd beaten you, though that was obviously brilliant. But I thought as I was a mark ahead of you, there was some hope for me. A reason to take the exam again."

"Cal, of course there's hope for you," said Ethan, feeling even worse when a couple of tears trickled out of Cal's eyes.

"No, there isn't," said Cal. Angrily, he swiped at his tears. "I didn't even come close. You weren't that far of the pass mark: you'll pass next time easily. But me… I think I'm going to give up, Ethan. There's no point. I can't do it." He buried his face in his hands.

Ethan sighed. "Maybe this is _why_ you fail at everything. Why can't you just commit to something for a change?"

It was guilt as much as frustration that was making him snap at Cal, but he regretted it when Cal gave a sob.

"Oh, Cal… I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." Ethan put his arm around Cal. "I shouldn't have said that."

Cal spoke bitterly into his hands. "It's all right for you, Ethan. Everything's always all right for you. You want something: it just falls into your lap. I work my butt off and I can't even get close."

It was on the tip of Ethan's tongue to tell Cal that he'd worked his butt off too, but he stopped himself. Cal had just had a big disappointment – and it was partly Ethan's fault.

"And I feel like such crap, you know?" Cal looked up. He'd given up on fighting his tears now. "No matter what I do, my little brother always beats me."

"That's not true, Cal!" Ethan hugged Cal close to him. "You're better than me at all kinds of things."

Cal sniffed. "But not the things that matter."

"No, that's not true either! You've got much better people skills than me and you work much faster than me and you don't get embarrassed as easily as I do..." But Ethan's words sounded hollow even to him. He wondered if he'd ever hated himself more. He knew it wasn't entirely his fault: Cal had been upset about his exam result before Ethan's well-intentioned lie and the events of the last few days had almost certainly contributed to the depth of Cal's emotions, but Ethan knew he'd made things so much worse.

Ethan stroked Cal's back and kept telling him it was okay, but he knew it wasn't. He'd hurt Cal. He'd let Cal float on air, only for him to crash back down to earth again. Cal's safety net had let him down.

"I'm sorry, Cal," said Ethan. He was close to tears himself now as he saw how much pain he'd caused. "I really am sorry. I just wanted to make you feel better, but I didn't think things through properly. It was a stupid thing to say and I'm so sorry."

Cal sniffed and pulled away from Ethan. "It's not your fault, Ethan. That's not really what's upsetting me anyway. Or not just that. It's everything."

"I know," said Ethan gently.

"Knowing I can't do it. Knowing I'm a failure. Knowing I'm useless." Cal's eyes filled again. "I messed up in there, Ethan. I couldn't cope. If Mrs Beauchamp hadn't been there…"

Ethan tried to look into Cal's eyes. "Cal, don't do this to yourself. You did your best. There was nothing more you could have done."

Cal's tears began to fall. "I thought if I looked at the exam results, I'd feel better. I thought it would give me a bit of hope that I was good at this. But I'm not. No-one even came close to doing as badly as me. I'm useless, Ethan. Useless at exams and a useless doctor."

"You're not useless!" said Ethan. "Cal, think of all the lives you've saved. The lives you save every day. Maybe you won't be a consultant – though I believe you will be – but you're still a doctor. You've achieved things most people can't even come close to doing." Ethan paused, lowering his head. "And you're right, you know. It was easier for me. To have come as far as you have is incredible. And you will go further. I know you will."

"I don't know what's wrong with me," sobbed Cal. "It's not even like it's been hardest for me."

"That doesn't mean it's been easy for you," said Ethan. "And you don't have to pretend it has been."

He hugged Cal again. Cal cried a bit more, then he pulled his tissue out from under the cushion and wiped his face.

"I don't want to be a registrar forever," said Cal. "The last few days have been awful and I don't know how I got through it and I never want to go through something like that again. But it's what I want to do, Ethan. I want to be a consultant."

"Then you'll be a consultant," said Ethan firmly. He'd never doubted Cal's capabilities – and he'd always been good at getting what he really wanted.

"I won't be if I can't get through the exam," said Cal.

"You will get through it," said Ethan. "Cal, if you think about it, I've been working for this exam for a lot longer than you. You didn't really have enough time to prepare. I had twice as much time as you, but I didn't do twice as well."

Cal sat up slightly, a light in his eyes. "No. That's true. You didn't."

Ethan smiled to himself. When Cal hit rock bottom, it really hurt him, but at least Ethan knew some of the ways to rebuild his confidence. "We'll just have to work together a bit more this time. I think that would help me too."

"You don't need any help, Ethan. You came so close." Cal hesitated. "I should have said this before, but well done. I'm proud of you, Nibbles."

Ethan laughed. "Not that well-done. I failed!"

"Only just," said Cal. "Not many people pass the first time, you know. You'll kill it next time. I know you will. If you hadn't had to deal with all that stuff with Bonnie and Louis, I think you would have passed this time." He smiled. "You'll pass next time, Nibbles. Easily. And maybe, just maybe, I can scrape a pass."

Ethan surprised both of them by giving Cal another hug. He hadn't realised he needed Cal's support, but the warmth and gratitude he felt at Cal's words made him realise just how upset and disappointed he felt about his own exam result. He wasn't used to failing exams and it had been a bit of a shock. "Thank you, Cal," said Ethan as he blinked back tears. "I really appreciate that. But you'll do a lot more than scrape a pass. I know you will."

"Thanks. I'm going to try anyway," said Cal. He patted Ethan's back and let go. "So how about we start work now?"

"No time like the present," said Ethan, and went to get their books.


End file.
